Photo by Doug Finstad
Words Mean Things
How many of us have sat through a speech, promotion, award presentation, or a similar event where the speaker introduces the subject of mentoring? In the U.S. Army, such mention is part of the infamous “teach, coach, mentor” bundle. Such references are either giving thanks to someone for providing or describing how they are proud to have provided such a capability. Even in job/performance descriptions the written triad of “to teach, coach, and mentor” is often seen. I beg to ask; do we truly know what such words mean and what commitments are garnered by invoking such terms. I feel that, much like the term leadership, mentorship has become a common, overused, and misunderstood turn of phrase. An unfortunate bumper sticker for those who are in positions of authority and unsure how to define some of their role and efforts. Mentorship is an action that can't be done "to" someone. Instead, it is a process, dare I say a relationship that takes more than lip service, positional authority, or an existing hierarchical structure. Mentorship requires trust and a level of intimacy that can only exist over time.
BAM
The etymology of the word mentor comes from the Greek, Mentor, “a wise advisor, intimate friend who also is a sage counselor,” who is a “friend of Odysseus in the “Odyssey.” What I find striking in the origin of this term and pivotal to the word’s usage is the usage of the term intimate. Intimacy, is generated by choice, not by obligation or assignment. Teaching and coaching can be conducted through positional leadership assignment (think academia and extracurricular activities), though without an extra investment in time and a formation of intimacy the mentorship relationship doesn’t form. We’ve all had many teachers and coaches but only a few where such intimacy ever existed with simultaneous commitment from each participant impacting each other on a deeper level. All too often the term mentorship is used as though an action to be imparted upon someone. To borrow the expression so often used by the television celebrity and chef Emeril Lagasse, "BAM," you have been mentored.
But why should we be cautious about using the term teach, coach, and mentor in the same turn of phrase? Simply put, words have meaning. While some word definitions may be similar or occasionally touch one another through synonym association, word origins and their usage separate them. The terms teach, coach, and mentor fall into a realm of perceived similarity and thus all too often are clumped together as three words yet only one action. Teaching, coaching, and mentoring are separate but not equal. Individuals spend years learning how to master just one of these skills. So instead of falling victim to verbal runoff, perhaps we should take a closer look at our intended outcomes and be satisfied if, in the end, we are merely the best teacher, best coach, or best mentor possible.
Departure
How then does one determine when a relationship moves from the stage of a teacher or a coach to that of a mentor? After several evenings of debate amongst friends and associates on this question of when does mentorship first take place, I propose that a mentor/mentee relationship is born only upon termination of the initial positional authority relationship. Only once all requirements to work or perform for someone are removed can both parties truly enter an association of intimacy. Now, this does not ignore or devalue the trust and development that existed during the initial term of professional engagement, just the opposite. Such time is critical to the development and future of the two parties. Instead, while under a hierarchical model, the passing of information or advise lacks the intimacy that must exist for mentorship to take root. Instead, teaching and coaching become the predominate and no less important or influential methods for the passing of advice and professional tools. While we tend to want to throw the title of mentorship into this situation, the lack of choice from the advisee is the exact reason why mentoring is not taking place.
Once established in a mentor/mentee relationship, future boss to subordinate associations or assignments matters less in the capacity of the two to continue a mentorship association. Intimacy exists and thus the higher form of engagement through a mentor can and should continue.
Where Do I Get Mine?
In a similar vein as discussed above regarding leaders mentoring at a subordinate, “BAM,” the junior individual in the relationship has just as much responsibility in developing and sustaining the rapport. In many a group coaching session with junior officers I have been asked, how does one "get a mentor." While knowing such phrasing may not be precisely what the individual had in mind, the theme of the question is common. Many have grown up hearing that they should have a mentor in their lives and yet no discussion exists on where and how such a relationship is established. While many know that such a relationship is not assigned, they are still waiting for someone to tap them on the shoulder and introduce themselves as their mentor. More time and energy needs to be expended with junior individuals, discussing how they must play an active role in reaching out to prospective mentors thus communicating an intent beyond the assigned relationship.
Moreover, rank and position do not singularly qualify an individual to be a mentor. General officers and chief executive officers are not in abundance, and the opportunity to develop any level of intimacy with such individuals is infrequent especially the more junior you are, only because of interaction limitations and exposure. Mentors exist in fields that we want to pursue, in families that we wish to emulate, in financial management we want to match. Mentorship is much more than the generality of a successful senior vice president and a young manager within a company.
Conclusion
It is time mentorship was placed in its own class. Such an endeavor between two people is an undertaking that requires energy, time, and intimacy beyond that for which many of us have deliberately prepared. Mentorship is a verb, an action that needs to happen through us, not to us. While time consuming, such intimacy is also exceptionally rewarding for both parties. Let us begin a new chapter where teaching and coaching pave the way to the potential for future mentorship.